Saiyuki- Sanzo/Dougan
Oct. 31st, 2007 01:22 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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kinkfestTitle: Mononisuru
Author: Epiphanytiff
Rating: R
Prompt: 31Oct. Saiyuki, Dougan/Sanzo: Bloodplay - "Up against the wall, why does love always have to hurt?"
Word Count: 1170
Spoiler Alert: Spoilers for Requiem.
Author: Epiphanytiff
Rating: R
Prompt: 31Oct. Saiyuki, Dougan/Sanzo: Bloodplay - "Up against the wall, why does love always have to hurt?"
Word Count: 1170
Spoiler Alert: Spoilers for Requiem.
A/N: This fic is slightly AU. Imagining the what ifs of the final battle in that the creature the Ikkou fought was yet another of Dougan’s shikigami. Lines in italics courtesy of Stabbing Westward.
Tell me. What do I have to do to make you want me?
I watched the rest of the drama unfold from the shadows, a comfortable place to dwell. The great and wonderful Sanzo-Ikkou had been dealing with the real me until I crashed into the water and I decided enough was enough. You, Master, faced my shikigami with the same countenance you bore in most things; even when you told me I was too much of an addiction. Your words really didn’t matter then, did they? As addicting as you claimed I was to your finer sensibilities, you took me into your bed anyway and I took you into my body. You’re such a hypocrite, my beautiful priest.
Was that a look of remorse I saw just now? Yes, just around those heliotrope eyes that do a fine job of burning through my memories– that haunt me every time I sleep. You may deceive the rest of your theatre troupe but you never have, nor will, fool me. I have known you too long, beloved. I know you.
All of this preparation, the three years I busted my ass to make myself worthy of your attention, I now realise was wasted time. I heard you tell the false me that and I am crushed. I am tired of crying because of you. A tear ran from my shikigami’s eye in tandem.
What do I have to do to make you understand?
Is it so wrong to want to be everything you can for the one you love above all else? To be perfection in all matters; the perfection you remarked upon when there was nothing but two bodies joined in a small bed. How could you have forgotten that, Sensei? Surely you remember the night before I left to wander through foreign woods; learning whatever the Gods chose to impart to my forlorn soul. It was the one and only time you were cruel in your carnality.
Pinned against the wall with you inside me and your teeth at my neck. It was the first time I felt like a whore in your presence. But I took it because I loved you. Was that why you were so hard, so harsh? Because I had the nerve to tell you or was it something else?
As I watched you aim your gun at what you thought was my heart, the recollection of that night came crashing over me. It wasn’t the first time you sought to rip it to shreds.
“Sanzo-sama, please…don’t stop.” I pled and a solitary tear ran down my cheek. I could feel your heartbeat through my skin and rested my head against the wall in front of me as I worked out what you wrote– four characters that pretty much said it all. It was something you never voiced but had no problem writing on my skin.
Mononisuru: Mine. I suppose that’s true.
I will always be yours and that is both my honour and my onus. But does one not also love that which they possess? As you took your pleasure in me, I wondered why love had to hurt and why I craved to be hurt again and again. I am such a fool for you, master. Such a fool.
Once more, you remarked on the way I felt, the sweetness of my blood, the moans that ‘made you so hard’ and; against the wall, I smiled in my fatuity.
The next day, I left temple to seek the strength you implied I lacked. The day I returned, you were gone. I was left behind with nothing but that paper aeroplane that you oh so kindly gifted me and the memories of when I was your favoured. And that, Sensei, has eaten my soul ever since and the more that you refute my pain the more it magnifies.
What do I have to do to make you love me?
I wiped the hated tear from my cheek then focused on my creation. My mouth mimed the words the shikigami creature spoke, symbiotic anguish pouring off him and the torture of three years without you burning in his hideous eyes.
“Master Sanzo, why? Sanzo!”
Your beautiful face hung without emotion and I felt you whisper something to the effect of ‘beats me’. I really had to laugh at that. So like you to act like you don’t give a flying fuck that you once had this man eating out of your hand. That you had his soul. But, as ever, you eyes speak that which your mouth refuses to. Can’t have the world see you as just another human being, now can you? Yes, perish the thought.
The creature fell to the ground and I closed my eyes for a moment, mourning the course. I wonder if you mourn that which you made, beloved. Will you mourn me in years to come? Your friends seemed to be pleased that the big, bad daemon was defeated and you slipped your gun into your robe then lit a cigarette; as if you did little more than swat a fly. Sanzo, your voice carried over the lake and it led me to speculate whether it is truly an echo of how you feel.
“What a fucking nuisance.”
Even now, you critisise your own work; throw away what you built like it was yesterday’s rubbish. I am saddened that it had to come to this, that we could not be what we should have been to one another but I will not give up. I am fragmented but I am not dead. If you didn’t want me, then why did you make me love you? That is one thing I will never understand as long as I walk the world. I put a hand through my hair and as it dried, the natural black bled through the red. A poignant and fitting metaphor– that I should return to myself. You have left me, once again, but not purposeless. I will have time to ponder what I have learned today. Sanzo-sama, you did not choose the ones you travel with and I get that, but neither did you choose me. Perhaps it would have been better to let you shoot me; would have been far less painful. I wonder what you would have written with my blood then?
If I can’t make you love me just tell me what do I have to do?
To forget about you.
Tell me. What do I have to do to make you want me?
I watched the rest of the drama unfold from the shadows, a comfortable place to dwell. The great and wonderful Sanzo-Ikkou had been dealing with the real me until I crashed into the water and I decided enough was enough. You, Master, faced my shikigami with the same countenance you bore in most things; even when you told me I was too much of an addiction. Your words really didn’t matter then, did they? As addicting as you claimed I was to your finer sensibilities, you took me into your bed anyway and I took you into my body. You’re such a hypocrite, my beautiful priest.
Was that a look of remorse I saw just now? Yes, just around those heliotrope eyes that do a fine job of burning through my memories– that haunt me every time I sleep. You may deceive the rest of your theatre troupe but you never have, nor will, fool me. I have known you too long, beloved. I know you.
All of this preparation, the three years I busted my ass to make myself worthy of your attention, I now realise was wasted time. I heard you tell the false me that and I am crushed. I am tired of crying because of you. A tear ran from my shikigami’s eye in tandem.
What do I have to do to make you understand?
Is it so wrong to want to be everything you can for the one you love above all else? To be perfection in all matters; the perfection you remarked upon when there was nothing but two bodies joined in a small bed. How could you have forgotten that, Sensei? Surely you remember the night before I left to wander through foreign woods; learning whatever the Gods chose to impart to my forlorn soul. It was the one and only time you were cruel in your carnality.
Pinned against the wall with you inside me and your teeth at my neck. It was the first time I felt like a whore in your presence. But I took it because I loved you. Was that why you were so hard, so harsh? Because I had the nerve to tell you or was it something else?
As I watched you aim your gun at what you thought was my heart, the recollection of that night came crashing over me. It wasn’t the first time you sought to rip it to shreds.
***********************************
“Why do you do this to me?” you breathed against the nape of my neck, sending shivers down my spine to embrase the pleasured pain of you inside me. Your teeth met the tender flesh and a new warmth bloomed with the fresh assault. I cried out and could smell the sharp metallic scent of my blood as it ran from the wound. You stopped pounding into me long enough to draw kanji on my back, my essence serving as your ink; even my blood longed for you.“Sanzo-sama, please…don’t stop.” I pled and a solitary tear ran down my cheek. I could feel your heartbeat through my skin and rested my head against the wall in front of me as I worked out what you wrote– four characters that pretty much said it all. It was something you never voiced but had no problem writing on my skin.
Mononisuru: Mine. I suppose that’s true.
I will always be yours and that is both my honour and my onus. But does one not also love that which they possess? As you took your pleasure in me, I wondered why love had to hurt and why I craved to be hurt again and again. I am such a fool for you, master. Such a fool.
Once more, you remarked on the way I felt, the sweetness of my blood, the moans that ‘made you so hard’ and; against the wall, I smiled in my fatuity.
The next day, I left temple to seek the strength you implied I lacked. The day I returned, you were gone. I was left behind with nothing but that paper aeroplane that you oh so kindly gifted me and the memories of when I was your favoured. And that, Sensei, has eaten my soul ever since and the more that you refute my pain the more it magnifies.
What do I have to do to make you love me?
*************************************
I wiped the hated tear from my cheek then focused on my creation. My mouth mimed the words the shikigami creature spoke, symbiotic anguish pouring off him and the torture of three years without you burning in his hideous eyes.
“Master Sanzo, why? Sanzo!”
Your beautiful face hung without emotion and I felt you whisper something to the effect of ‘beats me’. I really had to laugh at that. So like you to act like you don’t give a flying fuck that you once had this man eating out of your hand. That you had his soul. But, as ever, you eyes speak that which your mouth refuses to. Can’t have the world see you as just another human being, now can you? Yes, perish the thought.
The creature fell to the ground and I closed my eyes for a moment, mourning the course. I wonder if you mourn that which you made, beloved. Will you mourn me in years to come? Your friends seemed to be pleased that the big, bad daemon was defeated and you slipped your gun into your robe then lit a cigarette; as if you did little more than swat a fly. Sanzo, your voice carried over the lake and it led me to speculate whether it is truly an echo of how you feel.
“What a fucking nuisance.”
Even now, you critisise your own work; throw away what you built like it was yesterday’s rubbish. I am saddened that it had to come to this, that we could not be what we should have been to one another but I will not give up. I am fragmented but I am not dead. If you didn’t want me, then why did you make me love you? That is one thing I will never understand as long as I walk the world. I put a hand through my hair and as it dried, the natural black bled through the red. A poignant and fitting metaphor– that I should return to myself. You have left me, once again, but not purposeless. I will have time to ponder what I have learned today. Sanzo-sama, you did not choose the ones you travel with and I get that, but neither did you choose me. Perhaps it would have been better to let you shoot me; would have been far less painful. I wonder what you would have written with my blood then?
If I can’t make you love me just tell me what do I have to do?
To forget about you.
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