official correspondence (Black Butler/Hellsing, Sebastian/Integra, PG)

[incandescens]

Title: official correspondence
Author/Artist: incandescens
Rating: PG
Warnings: Only for kitten-haters.
Prompt: November 24th - Crossover, Black Butler/Hellsing, Sebastian/Integra: danger - a hell of a butler
Word count: 879


November 1st

Lord Phantomhive,

We understand that you have in your employ a demon named Sebastian. As the Hellsing Organisation represents England's safeguard against both vampires and all other forms of the supernatural, we would be grateful for any information which you can supply us upon your minion. Should he be of combat use, it may prove necessary to requisition him for Crown purposes.

Yours,

Integra Wingate Hellsing
pp Walter C Dornez


November 2nd

Sir Hellsing,

It would appear that there has been some form of clerical error in the information collected by your organisation. While the person Sebastian is admittedly to some extent supernatural, he is in fact a household spirit (of the lares et penates type), with particular responsibility for baking cakes and desserts. As such, I am sure that he is of no interest to your group.

May I present a donation to assist in the many good works which I understand the Hellsing Organisation performs? I am sure that on checking your records, and possibly on conferring with your superiors, you will be glad to hear that the Phantomhive family is also of service to England in its own way.

Yours,

Ciel Phantomhive
pp Sebastian Michaelis


November 3rd

Lord Phantomhive,

Much as the Hellsing Organisation appreciates the donation which you were kind enough to enclose with your earlier letter, we fear that there may be some slight confusion on this issue. According to our own records, he has been connected with thirty-nine cases of murder, five cases of manslaughter, seven cases of dangerous driving, seventeen cases of theft, fourteen cases of espionage, two cases of tribadism (admittedly, our evidence on this one is somewhat confused), nine cases of blackmail, barratry, libel, evasion of taxes, posing as a medical professional, and the mass release of poisonous snakes.

As such, we are convinced that your employee would be a valuable addition, or possible threat, to the Hellsing Organisation, and look forward to further communication from your good self.

Incidentally, the sixpence which you attached to your last letter has been used to purchase a bullet for one of our current employees. His name is Alucard. You may wish to ask Mr Michaelis about him.

Yours,

Integra Wingate Hellsing
pp Walter C Dornez


November 4th

Sir Hellsing,

I have received your letter of the 3rd inst., and I am shocked, deeply shocked, that such vile rumours and infamous calumnies should have been attached to the name of my loyal and devoted pastry cook. The poor fellow was greatly upset to hear that such things had been said about him. He retired to pet his new kitten, and I trust that it will restore his innocent spirit.

I am most glad to hear that Phantomhive's donation was in some way useful to your noble and high-minded organisation. I am sure that you keep all your servants, including this Alucard fellow, on a firm leash. I do the same myself.

November 5th tomorrow. Such an evocative date, isn't it? And such a relief to know that no such danger to the realm will arrive -- or be precipitated -- again.

Ciel Phantomhive
pp Sebastian Michaelis


November 5th

Lord Phantomhive,

Off the record. I do not want this to turn into a turf war. I merely want some way to make sure that my Alucard doesn't go running off to challenge your Sebastian 'to test himself'. If your Sebastian is anything like my Alucard, then you know that both of them are just playing along with us, and that unless we give them a good reason otherwise, they will simply do what they want to do.

Suggest fabrication of evidence that your Sebastian has become so softened by his kitten-petting that he is of no interest to Hellsing or Alucard.

Yours in haste and without using a secretary,

Integra Hellsing


November 6th

Sir Hellsing,

Thank God, I thought I was the only one.

I attach photographs of Sebastian petting kitten with deeply inaccurate expression of sweet-minded innocence on his face. (Please ignore the girl in the background of the photos looking as if she wished she were a hundred miles away, she has absolutely no relevance to this situation. In fact, please cut out those bits of photograph and destroy them.)

I agree that England is best served by keeping these two several hundred miles apart. Let us endeavour to do so.

Yours in hope,

Ciel Phantomhive


November 7th

Lord Phantomhive,

Thank you for your letter providing full and accurate information on your pastry cook and kitten-tender. Under the circumstances, we regret that he would not be fitted for the Hellsing Organisation. We trust that he will bear up under this news with proper manly fortitude.

We also thank you for the cream cakes which you were kind enough to attach to your last communication. Unfortunately the holy water with which they were laced caused some minor facial burns to one of our employees when they were passed around the office, but we regret are sure that he will be back on his feet soon. He sent the most affecting and sincere wishes for your and your servant's future good health.

Again, our gratitude for your forthcoming and helpful attitude in this situation.

Yours,

Integra Wingate Hellsing
pp Walter C Dornez

Comments

[flo-nelja.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. Oh yes. I laughed out loud.
The tone, the tone of the formal letters ! Oh, Integra, Ciel, how do I love you... I had never paralleled the characters before.

According to our own records, he has been connected with thirty-nine cases of murder, five cases of manslaughter, seven cases of dangerous driving, seventeen cases of theft, fourteen cases of espionage, two cases of tribadism (admittedly, our evidence on this one is somewhat confused), nine cases of blackmail, barratry, libel, evasion of taxes, posing as a medical professional, and the mass release of poisonous snakes.

I am shocked, deeply shocked, that such vile rumours and infamous calumnies should have been attached to the name of my loyal and devoted pastry cook. The poor fellow was greatly upset to hear that such things had been said about him. He retired to pet his new kitten, and I trust that it will restore his innocent spirit.

Thank God, I thought I was the only one.
I attach photographs of Sebastian petting kitten with deeply inaccurate expression of sweet-minded innocence on his face.

Thank you for your letter providing full and accurate information on your pastry cook and kitten-tender. Under the circumstances, we regret that he would not be fitted for the Hellsing Organisation. We trust that he will bear up under this news with proper manly fortitude.

These are my favourite parts. These are a lot of favourite parts for a fic that short, but I couldn't cut a word. ^^

*much love*

[incandescens]

I'm very pleased you liked it. :) Thank you!

[aviss.livejournal.com]

OH, this is incredibly funny! I don't usually like crossovers, but this one is perfect! I love the tone of the letters, and Ciel's last one just made me lauugh out loud. It's perfect!

[incandescens]

Thank you very much!

[tsutsuji.livejournal.com]

I'm only familiar with one of these series (Sebastian's), and I still love this all to pieces. ^__^

[incandescens]

Excellent. Thank you. :)

[sophiap.livejournal.com]

This is absolutely delightful. The strikeout in the last letter is a wonderful grace note.

[incandescens]

Thank you very much. :)

[starsandtildes.livejournal.com]

mine :DDDDDDD

Not at all what I expected, but better. Ciel's voice is perfect btw. also Integra must have interrogated Grell at some point judging by some of those charges

[incandescens]

Thank you! Very pleased you liked it.

(Hellsing has informants everywhere!)

[fenikkusuken.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful. I could easily 'hear' both Integra's and Ciel's voices and thoroughly enjoyed the progression from official to unofficial to conspiratorial.

Well done!

[incandescens]

Thank you very much!

[veleda-k.livejournal.com]

This might possibly be the most awesome thing in the history of awesome things. I was grinning the whole way through, and started giggling outright when Integra and Ciel dropped their pretenses.

Favorite parts: Sebastian's tax evasion and tribadism, and his "innocent soul"; Ciel's "Thank God, I thought I was the only one"; and the "we regret are sure that he will be back on his feet soon."

[incandescens]

Very pleased you liked it. :)

(I'm sure we would all like to know how Sebastian managed tribadism.)

[sola.livejournal.com]

Okay, most totally hilarious thing i have read all day.

[incandescens]

Excellent. :) Thank you!

[cleflink.livejournal.com]

*snickers* Oh, this is awesome. You've got both of their voices bang on and the sheer amount of snark in the first letters kills me (the issue with the sixpence was perfect!). The dropping of pretense was great and still so very them - I could see Ciel and Integra getting on quite well.

[incandescens]

Thank you very much! :)

[lady-ganesh.livejournal.com]

I love it when the masks finally come down! And the sixpence, ha!

[incandescens]

Very glad you liked it. :)