read or die (Bleach, Renji/Ichigo, M)
Jun. 12th, 2009 12:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
incandescens posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
kinkfestTitle: read or die
Author/Artist:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
incandescens
Rating: M
Warnings: Various implications.
Prompt: June 12TH - Bleach, Renji/Ichigo: bodyswapping - "Stop touching me there!"
Word count: 765
Seireitai Library Reminder:
Dear Abarai Renji,
We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex is now one day overdue. Please return it at once. We enclose our schedule of fines.
We also wish to offer you the opportunity to borrow other books in this series. Your Gigai And You: Book Two: Reversing Body Reassignment Mistakes is currently available.
Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!
Seireitai Library Reminder:
Dear Abarai Renji:
We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex is now two days overdue. Please return it at once.
We wish to warn you that keeping a book overdue for three days or more will result in an armed collection squad (subcontracted from Eighth Division) being dispatched to secure the book.
We regret that on further investigation, Your Gigai And You: Book Two: Reversing Body Reassignment Mistakes is in fact not currently available, having been previously borrowed by Urahara Kisuke and not having been returned.
We also wish to note that a fraudulent attempt has been made to access your library account. An orange-haired youth, later identified as Kurosaki Ichigo, showed up and claimed to be you. Naturally his attempts at borrowing books with your library card have been refused. We warn you that he apparently has a copy of your library card and your library password.
Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!
Seireitai Library Reminder:
Dear Abarai Renji,
We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex is now three days overdue. Please return it at once. The collection squad has been dispatched. Given your rank as vice-captain, they have been outfitted with suitable equipment and killing stone.
Please bear in mind that excuses of temporary insanity will not be accepted. Even if you go to the extent of having Kuchiki-taichou pursue you in public while claiming that you are suffering from amnesia and must be restrained for your own good. Even if you were apparently in a state of significant undress while doing so. Even if you have apparently forgotten how to tie your hair back and have thus won the Shinigami Women's Association Unkempt Yet Extremely Hot award and been accused of cheating by Kyouraku-taichou. And even if you are claiming to be someone entirely different and not Abarai Renji at all. These feeble tactics will not work.
Hand over the book or suffer, Abarai Renji.
Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!
Seireitai Library Reminder:
Dear Abarai Renji,
We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex is now four days overdue. Please return it at once.
We are aware of your pitiful attempt to frustrate our collecting squad by confronting them with a scene of unparalleled lewdness involving yourself and Kurosaki Ichigo fondling each other oiled and naked while checking notes on a piece of paper and yelling, "It worked last time, why can't I get back into you again!"
While this may have resulted in temporary fainting, covering of eyes, and nosebleeds, allowing you to make your escape, this tactic will not be successful in the future. We warn you that this time Ise-fukutaichou will be on the collection squad, and she assures us that after decades with Kyouraku-taichou, absolutely nothing can shock her.
There is nowhere to escape from us, Abarai Renji. There is nowhere for you to hide. You will be hauled back in chains and dragged to the execution block. Give us our book. Now.
Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!
Seireitai Library Reminder:
Dear Abarai Renji,
We wish to thank you for returning your borrowed copy of Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex. We appreciate your willingness to comply with Library regulations. In future, we will take care to send overdue notices and collection agents when you are lying around in a post-coital haze with your mortal paramours. Please note that screaming, "Yes! Yes! Back in my own body again!" is not allowed inside Library precincts.
Your zanpakutou will be returned when you have finished paying off the overdue fines.
We wish to offer you the opportunity to borrow other books which have been taken out by shinigami with similar interests. Please see Zanpakutou Materialisation And Hot Sex, Bankai And Bollocks, Academy Affairs, and The Covert Operations XXX-Rated Yaoi Photo Book.
Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!
Author/Artist:
incandescensRating: M
Warnings: Various implications.
Prompt: June 12TH - Bleach, Renji/Ichigo: bodyswapping - "Stop touching me there!"
Word count: 765
Seireitai Library Reminder:
Dear Abarai Renji,
We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex is now one day overdue. Please return it at once. We enclose our schedule of fines.
We also wish to offer you the opportunity to borrow other books in this series. Your Gigai And You: Book Two: Reversing Body Reassignment Mistakes is currently available.
Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!
Seireitai Library Reminder:
Dear Abarai Renji:
We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex is now two days overdue. Please return it at once.
We wish to warn you that keeping a book overdue for three days or more will result in an armed collection squad (subcontracted from Eighth Division) being dispatched to secure the book.
We regret that on further investigation, Your Gigai And You: Book Two: Reversing Body Reassignment Mistakes is in fact not currently available, having been previously borrowed by Urahara Kisuke and not having been returned.
We also wish to note that a fraudulent attempt has been made to access your library account. An orange-haired youth, later identified as Kurosaki Ichigo, showed up and claimed to be you. Naturally his attempts at borrowing books with your library card have been refused. We warn you that he apparently has a copy of your library card and your library password.
Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!
Seireitai Library Reminder:
Dear Abarai Renji,
We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex is now three days overdue. Please return it at once. The collection squad has been dispatched. Given your rank as vice-captain, they have been outfitted with suitable equipment and killing stone.
Please bear in mind that excuses of temporary insanity will not be accepted. Even if you go to the extent of having Kuchiki-taichou pursue you in public while claiming that you are suffering from amnesia and must be restrained for your own good. Even if you were apparently in a state of significant undress while doing so. Even if you have apparently forgotten how to tie your hair back and have thus won the Shinigami Women's Association Unkempt Yet Extremely Hot award and been accused of cheating by Kyouraku-taichou. And even if you are claiming to be someone entirely different and not Abarai Renji at all. These feeble tactics will not work.
Hand over the book or suffer, Abarai Renji.
Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!
Seireitai Library Reminder:
Dear Abarai Renji,
We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex is now four days overdue. Please return it at once.
We are aware of your pitiful attempt to frustrate our collecting squad by confronting them with a scene of unparalleled lewdness involving yourself and Kurosaki Ichigo fondling each other oiled and naked while checking notes on a piece of paper and yelling, "It worked last time, why can't I get back into you again!"
While this may have resulted in temporary fainting, covering of eyes, and nosebleeds, allowing you to make your escape, this tactic will not be successful in the future. We warn you that this time Ise-fukutaichou will be on the collection squad, and she assures us that after decades with Kyouraku-taichou, absolutely nothing can shock her.
There is nowhere to escape from us, Abarai Renji. There is nowhere for you to hide. You will be hauled back in chains and dragged to the execution block. Give us our book. Now.
Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!
Seireitai Library Reminder:
Dear Abarai Renji,
We wish to thank you for returning your borrowed copy of Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex. We appreciate your willingness to comply with Library regulations. In future, we will take care to send overdue notices and collection agents when you are lying around in a post-coital haze with your mortal paramours. Please note that screaming, "Yes! Yes! Back in my own body again!" is not allowed inside Library precincts.
Your zanpakutou will be returned when you have finished paying off the overdue fines.
We wish to offer you the opportunity to borrow other books which have been taken out by shinigami with similar interests. Please see Zanpakutou Materialisation And Hot Sex, Bankai And Bollocks, Academy Affairs, and The Covert Operations XXX-Rated Yaoi Photo Book.
Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!
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no subject
Date: 2009-06-11 11:54 pm (UTC)thank you, so much, for putting this up!
Seiretei library must be one very interesting library to visit.
(i can only imagine the general public's reaction to me had i actually read this at my library.... )
no subject
Date: 2009-06-11 11:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 12:17 am (UTC)So funny!
Despite the claim of Ise-fukutaichou as a secret weapon, the librarian sounds suspiciously like Nanao-san after a few too many glasses of plum wine ... .
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 12:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 12:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 12:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 01:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 01:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 01:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 09:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 01:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 09:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 05:56 am (UTC)Wonderful hilarious fic! I loved how we only got glimpses of the chaos that ensued from the accidental/on-purpose body-switch.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 09:32 am (UTC)(And if there were, I'd be delighted. :))
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 12:44 pm (UTC)Hahaha :D:D:D That was genius! I love the tone of the reminder emails; polite, to the point, and yet strangely nosy, perverted and accusing :D:D:D Great idea for a fic, really funny!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 02:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 02:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 03:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 08:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 04:50 pm (UTC)So true, and does it has wet Kuchiki Byakuya only in a towel? LOL. Thank you for such a wonderful read.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 08:12 pm (UTC)Glad you liked it!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 07:00 pm (UTC)Maybe next time Renji will get his books back on time. I'm sure he does not want to face the wrath of Nanao-san again!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 08:12 pm (UTC):D
Date: 2009-06-13 12:17 am (UTC)I adore how it gets increasingly violent and yet retains the feel of a form letter. Wicked brilliant, darling! *hugs*
Re: :D
Date: 2009-06-13 12:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-13 01:37 am (UTC)Bloody brilliant, this was. Library humor equals awesomeness.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-13 09:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-23 02:05 am (UTC)<3
no subject
Date: 2009-06-23 11:40 am (UTC)