project plan (Bleach, Nanao/Shunsui/Matsumoto, PG)

[incandescens]

Title: project plan
Author/Artist: incandescens
Rating: PG
Warnings: Should not be read by teetotallers.
Prompt: Bleach, Nanao/Shunsui/Matsumoto: The perils of drink.
Word count: 1090


CUNNING PLAN TO FIND OUT WHAT SORT OF ALCOHOL MY NANAO-CHAN LIKES

Set out as Project Plan because Rangiku-chan saw one at the Shinigami Women’s Association and says they’re nifty.

Goals: To persuade Nanao-chan that drinking is a good thing, by finding a type of alcohol that she likes.

That is such a neat idea, Kyouraku-taichou!

Methodology: Give my beautiful Nanao-chan alcohol of many different sorts on different occasions and examine the reactions.

Rangiku-chan, please stop asking Nemu-chan leading questions about how experiments work and how you’d do them on vice-captains and captains, I think she’s got the wrong idea – I saw her stalking Toushirou-kun with a collar and lead earlier today.

Requirements: Lots and lots of different sorts of alcohol. Wine, ale, whiskey, brandy, rum, absinthe, gin –

Kyouraku-taichou!

- the sort you make from juniper berries, Rangiku-chan, don’t look at me like that. Vodka, absinthe, rum,

that’s twice you’ve said rum

I like rum. Port, sherry, Madeira, cocktails, lots and lots of cocktails – Rangiku-chan, do you think we could talk Nanao-chan into learning how to mix us cocktails?

Maybe, as long as we don’t call them things like Sex on the Beach or Screaming Orgasm.

Perhaps we could rename them.

Yeah, we could call them Office Efficiency and Clear-Headed Triumph of Intellect. That’ll really fool her.

Give me your wisdom, Rangiku-chan! Give me your inspiration! Give me your –

Hands off. Kyouraku-taichou.

Fine. Be like that. What’s the next stage?

Opportunity, I think.

Isn’t that what you get in criminal cases along with motive? All right.

Opportunity: Subtly find excuses to persuade my Nanao-chan to sample these drinks.

You could always do more of the reports so she isn’t working so late –

Wash your mouth out with soap and water. Also, Miss Pot Calling The Kettle Black, my Nanao-chan enjoys it. Why, we’d be more likely to . . . now there’s an idea.

What?

We shall have a Hard Office Workers Party where we will all fill in reports and consume alcohol. My beautiful Nanao-chan will be so delighted by our efficiency and her own hard work that she will drink lots and lots.

Wait a minute, did you say we?

We’ll invite Toushirou-kun as well.

Yeahhhhhh . . . Kyouraku-taichou, I think this could be an absolutely brilliant idea, but I would just like to put it on record that I think it could possibly go just a tiny bit horribly wrong.

Don’t worry, I’ll invite Jyuushirou as well. He’ll keep Toushirou-kun out of the way if anything at all should go wrong, and in the meantime, just think how pleased Toushirou-kun will be to see you doing reports!

Well, yeah, it would get him off my back a bit. True.

And if he brings anyone else –

Can I bring Gin?

. . . this is supposed to be a private alcohol tasting session, Rangiku-chan. Besides, I’ve just invented a cocktail for my Nanao-chan which I’m calling Office Efficiency. Vodka – Vanilla stoli, I think – a shot of chilled espresso, and some seltzer.

. . . but you’re already inviting Hitsugaya-taichou and Ukitake-taichou, so can’t I bring some friends too? And I think that sounds a really good cocktail.

You do?

Make me one as well.

Absolutely. Now let me see . . .

Opportunity (Updated): Hard Office Workers Party – no, make that Hard Working Office Party – to be held in Eighth Division, where everyone will do their reports and have some alcohol to help them do their reports. Do you really think Gin will do his reports?

He likes writing reports! He writes really witty satirical reports.

Hm. Perhaps I should read them.

And he might bring Kira-kun along as well, but Kira-kun’s really good company. And did you say I could invite someone else?

Actually, I think you were asking me if you could invite someone else. Hm. I think I have a suitable recipe for the Clear-Headed Triumph of the Intellect.

You do?

I’m seeing equal parts of that caffeinated Red Bull stuff with absinthe and spiced rum. Set on fire, of course.

Of course!

Right. Actually, let’s invite Isane-chan as well, just in case anyone has burns.

What about Unohana-taichou?

Retsu-chan wouldn’t have the right party spirit . . . that is, the right report-writing spirit. Isane-chan is much more . . .

Bullyable?

Rangiku-chan! I would never bully a woman.

No, but you do have a point. Kotetsu Isane won’t be a party pooper. Fine, count her in. And can I invite Hisagi too? And maybe Renji so he won’t be lonely?

Only if you make it clear that this is strictly a report-writing session.

Of course!

Because that’s what it is.

Definitely.

And I want to be able to look my Nanao-chan in the eye and tell her, hand on heart, that we really are going to get some reports written.

Kyouraku-taichou, with this sort of company and this sort of enthusiasm, there is no way that we are not going to get reports written.

Right. Now, let me see:

You are invited to a report-writing session at Eighth Division. Bring along your unfinished reports, your incomplete forms, and your unwritten executive summaries! Together we shall make a concerted attempt to bring all our paperwork up to date! (Drinks to be supplied by Eighth Division.)

Excellent!

Not too bad, I think.

I just remembered. Isn’t there supposed to be a risk assessment thing too?

Risk assessment? I don’t mean to sound clichéd, Rangiku-chan, but I can’t offhand think of anything that could possibly go wrong.


THIS PROJECT PLAN, TOGETHER WITH ALL ASSOCIATED DOCUMENTATION, PHOTOGRAPHS, PHOTOCOPIES, KIDOU-TRANSMITTED MESSAGES, IPHONE PICTURES, COMPUTER FILES, AND WITNESS STATEMENTS IS FORMALLY SEALED BY ORDER OF THE CHAMBER OF FORTY-SIX.

ALL FUTURE PRODUCTION OF THE DRINKS TITLED ‘OFFICE EFFICIENCY’ AND ‘CLEAR-HEADED TRIUMPH OF THE INTELLECT’ IS NOW FORBIDDEN BY FORMAL DECREE OF YAMAMOTO-SOUTAICHOU.


Our crucial mistake, Rangiku-chan, was in not inviting Yama-jii along.

I still don’t believe Aizen-taichou could do a table dance like that.

That man is a secret wrapped inside an enigma and wearing a pair of glasses.

Is it true that Nanao liked the absinthe?

A gentleman never kisses and tells, Rangiku-chan.

Even when she’s got him chained to his office desk?

Especially then. How’s Toushirou-kun doing?

He’s stopped threatening to kill you.

Such a nice boy.

He’s still threatening to kill me, though.

I’ll send Jyuushirou to stalk him with candy. That should distract him. In the meantime, Rangiku-chan, would you care to draw up a new project plan?

Kyouraku-taichou, I thought you’d never ask.

Comments

[sophiap.livejournal.com]

Brava! They remind me of what Nick and Nora Charles might be in the afterlife.

[incandescens]

Thank you!

Now they just need a terrier . . .

[sophiap.livejournal.com]

Well, you did mention Hitsugaya being on a collar and lead...

[incandescens]

Oh dear. That's just ... oh dear. :)

[wk-recomend.livejournal.com]

*DIES* Oh my, that was utterly fabulous! *goes back to giggle over it again*

[incandescens]

Thank you!

Here, have a Clear-Headed Triumph of the Intellect. :)

[wk-recomend.livejournal.com]

Woohoo! I'll be careful not to singe my eyebrows XD

[incandescens]

Heh.

[incandescens]

Thank you! I had fun with it.

[purplekitte.livejournal.com]

Aizen is Russia? That makes it even better, and it shouldn't have been able to keep getting better by that point.

[incandescens]

Thank you. :)

[fallecer.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is just wonderful. I've not laughed so much in ages. Well done!

[incandescens]

Thank you! Most kind. :)

[fruitparlorcafe.livejournal.com]

Wonderful little piece! Wonderfully witty, and so in-character for both of them. Those drinks sounded almost lethal, but at the same time pretty good~!

[incandescens]

Thank you! And yes, they do sound positively decapitatory. ;)