Loveless (Ritsuka/Soubi)
Jul. 24th, 2007 12:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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kinkfestTitle: Meeting in the Middle
Author: White Aster
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Dominance/submission, masochism, flogging, Soubi's Really Messed Up headspace, smex!
Word count: 1819
Summary: Soubi and Ritsuka come to a compromise.
Author's Notes: Prompt: "Will you punish me, now?" Set sometime in a nebulous Happily Ever After future!AU where Ritsuka is legal and a certain brother gets what's coming to him and things work out and Soubi and Ritsuka stay together. also not entirely safe, the way Soubi sets this up without a safeword, but he didn't exactly learn his masochism in a safe, sane, and consensual manner, so I figured it was in-character.
-------------------
It took a long time for Ritsuka to understand that pain wasn't really pain to Soubi. That Soubi craved it, like an itch under his skin. That it had been twined so long ago and so often with pleasure, with belonging, with the easy safety of possession that he couldn't stop wanting Ritsuka to hurt him anymore than he could stop breathing.
That the idea of Ritsuka using the whip or the flogger or the knife or oh god just his "hands" made Soubi harder than anything else.
Will you punish me?
No! You haven't done anything wrong, Soubi.
The problem, in the beginning, was that Ritsuka had wanted to "fix" him. Soubi would lean into some incidental pain and Ritsuka would make him stop, eyes wide and confused and worried. It hurt Ritsuka to see Soubi hurt, because he thought that Soubi liking being hurt was wrong, bad, a sign of sickness.
Maybe it was. But if so, it was a sickness that Soubi would never get over, wasn't sure he WANTED to get over. Chronic. Parasitic.
They had spent some truly miserable time together: Soubi wanting it but not saying so because he knew it would upset his little master. He tried not to show his disappointment, the hole inside him begging to be filled, but he hadn't been able to fool Ritsuka. Ritsuka ordered Soubi to tell him what was wrong, and Soubi had, and Ritsuka insisted that Soubi should fight those wants, that it was wrong, that it was sick, that they would work together so that Soubi didn't need it. Soubi agreed, because Ritsuka wanted it so much, because it made Ritsuka smile. He would try to be anything for Ritsuka. And he did. He tried. He denied, and denied, and denied himself, because it made Ritsuka smile. And as long as it made Ritsuka smile, it was enough.
Except when it hadn't been. He'd hidden it, but he had been taught too well. There was always the nagging doubt in the back of his mind, brought to life in his nightmares of Seimei and Ritsu-sensei. Soubi began to keep himself awake as long as possible, drinking pot after pot of strong black tea, coffee, soda, anything to avoid the dreams.
Ritsuka noticed, if only because Soubi couldn't hide the signs of exhaustion. Ritsuka again ordered Soubi to tell him what was wrong. Soubi, having gotten three hours of sleep in the past two nights, knelt in front of Ritsuka, miserable, and told him about the dreams, about how he'd tried to avoid them not because they frightened him, but because the pain memories of Seimei's knife...of Ritsu-sensei's whip...made him feel safe. He was being hurt because it would make him stronger...he was being punished because it would remind him not to make the same mistake again. He was worthy of being molded...being made better. Those nightmares made him feel wanted. Loved.
He buried his face in Ritsuka's chest and begged for Ritsuka's forgiveness. He hadn't been able to follow Ritsuka's orders, and that truth, that inability, that FAILURE ate at him. He wasn't worthy of Ritsuka. He wasn't.
Ritsuka took a deep breath that Soubi could feel under his cheek. He expected Ritsuka to walk away, or to sound disappointed, or to tell him he had to try harder. Instead, Ritsuka put his arms around Soubi's shoulders, dropped his lips to Soubi's hair. "Soubi. Does it..does it make you feel like I don't love you, because I won't...do that to you? Tell me the truth."
Soubi struggled with that, then tried to explain that he knew that Ritsuka loved him. His head knew. But his heart, deep inside, felt cold, distant, like he could never get close enough. Like Ritsuka was far, far away.
"Even like this?" Ritsuka's arms around him were warm and firm, stronger than they used to be.
Soubi nodded, his heart full of cold needles. Ritsuka wouldn't understand. Ritsuka would be upset. Ritsuka would always be upset, because he couldn't understand, and Soubi couldn't change, and they would never be...never be....
"It's all right, Soubi. It's all right." Ritsuka's voice was like his arms. "This is my fault. I've been selfish...I didn't...I didn't know that this was how it was. I thought...I thought that if I showed you that you could live without being...hurt...that you'd realize that it was better. That you wouldn't need it anymore. But...that didn't work." Ritsuka's hand petted down his hair, his voice soft, as if he were talking half to himself. "I hate what they've done to you, Soubi. That they've made you need this. But it's not your fault. It...I mean...we could do therapy or something, build up your self-esteem, so you don't need to be so dependent on me, or on me hurting you...."
That sounded like the worst hell that Soubi could imagine. Not need Ritsuka? How would Soubi live without needing Ritsuka? How COULD Soubi live like that? Ritsuka might as well have suggested that Soubi live without his arms and legs: it would have been kinder. Soubi clutched at Ritsuka's arms, so hard he was afraid he'd leave bruises, even though Ritsuka was not nearly so delicate now as he'd been when Soubi had first met him. Ritsuka shushed him gently.
"It's all right. I know. That'd be just as wrong as what I've been trying to do. I shouldn't ask you to change who you are. You shouldn't need to. You're my Soubi. Just like this."
Those words warmed Soubi more than any skin could. He breathed in Ritsuka's scent through his shirt. "Ritsuka's Soubi. Always Ritsuka's Soubi."
"Yes. Mine. I'm sorry, Soubi. I...I need to stop being a wimp and start taking care of what's mine."
Soubi's breath nearly stopped as Ritsuka put his hands on either side of Soubi's face, lifting it. Ritsuka's eyes filled his world: still worried, a little frightened, but determined. The words balled in his throat, came out as a whispered plea. "Will you punish me, Ritsuka?"
Ritsuka shook his head. "I won't punish you, Soubi. Don't call it that. Punishing means you've done something wrong, and you haven't. But if you want...if you need it.... I think I can give it to you."
"Please," Soubi breathed, turning his head to kiss Ritsuka's fingers. "Please, yes...."
Ritsuka swallowed, but held his eyes. "Show me how."
Oh. Ritsuka was so good to him.
Soubi brought him the soft leather flogger. He had bought it, one day, out of hope. He had Seimei's tools still (and could probably not get rid of them until Ritsuka ordered him to) but he did not want Ritsuka to use those. And most of them were too complex, too dangerous for an amateur to use in the first place. He didn't want Ritsuka to scare himself by hurting Soubi more than he intended.
Ritsuka swallowed at the sight of the flogger. Soubi held it out, handle first, and the sight of Ritsuka's hand closing hesitantly around it nearly made Soubi groan aloud. He watched, dry-mouthed, as Ritsuka stroked the leather tails, watched him be surprised at the softness of them. Ritsuka took a deep breath and looked up, nodding.
Soubi told him what he could. He'd never done this himself, only had it done to him, but he knew what it felt like, knew what was likely to damage him, and he could describe that to Ritsuka. Ritsuka turned a little paler after the instructions, but he nodded, ordering Soubi in clear terms to tell him if he wasn't doing anything safely.
Soubi unbuttoned his shirt, holding Ritsuka's eyes as he did so, watching the way Ritsuka's gaze slipped over his chest as the shirt dropped to the floor. He kept himself in check as he turned to put his hands against the wall. It was enough that Ritsuka be willing to do this, he told himself. It was too much to ask for Ritsuka to enjoy it. For Ritsuka to want to push him against the wall, to spread him and fill him and fuck him while his back burned--
No. If pain and pleasure had to be separate with Ritsuka, it was enough.
The first blow landed, tentative and light, looking to get the aim down more than anything. Soubi felt himself hardening in his jeans, and he leaned his forehead against the cool wall, keeping his breathing steady as the blows became harder, more confident. The thud and sting across his shoulders was like and unlike what he remembered: Ritsu-sensei and Seimei had hardly ever used anything as light as a flogger. The wrapping of the tails around his ribs, though, ah, that was sparks of true pain, and they made his breath catch. Soubi let himself fall into the soft, cradling rhythm of it....
All too soon, he felt Ritsuka's hand on the hot skin of his back. "I'm sorry, my arm's tired." A finger traced a line of dull fire along his ribs. "Did...was that...ok?"
Soubi turned and kissed Ritsuka before he even really registered what he was doing. Ritsuka made a surprised noise, and Soubi took the opportunity to slide his tongue into Ritsuka's mouth, and oh, Ritsuka tasted like soda and warmth, and Soubi groaned with want.
Ritsuka was breathing hard when he pulled away, eyes bright and flickering down to where Soubi's state of arousal was painfully obvious. "I guess it was ok, then, hmm?"
"Yes. Yes...." Soubi nuzzled at where Ritsuka's ears used to be, an old, familiar gesture. "Yes, Ritsuka. I love you, Ritsuka...."
Ritsuka leaned in to kiss him again, and Soubi's back pressed hot against the cold, scratchy wall. "I love you, too, Soubi." And then his hand slid down the front of Soubi's jeans, undoing his fly, and it was all that Soubi could do to not come right there, from that slight touch, to wait until Ritsuka had his hand around him, pumping, until Ritsuka was making those little encouraging noises that were as good as permission, and Soubi let himself come into his master's hand, his back pressed tight against the wall.
He came back to himself with Ritsuka looking at him, apprehension in his eyes. He wasn't aroused, but that...that was all right. Ritsuka wasn't asking him to be different. He shouldn't ask Ritsuka to be different, either.
Of course, that didn't mean that Soubi couldn't tempt. He smiled, lifting Ritsuka's hand to his mouth and sucking his own fluids off each thin finger. Ritsuka's fingers weren't the only thing that twitched. That was good. The flogging hadn't turned Ritsuka off THAT much, then.
Ritsuka's eyes went half-lidded as Soubi sucked hard on his pinky. "So~oubi..."
"Yes, Ritsuka?"
Ritsuka smiled, affection in the familiar word. "Pervert."
Soubi stepped closer, wrapping his arms around Ritsuka and backing him towards the bed, nuzzling into Ritsuka's neck until his master laughed. "Ritsuka's pervert," Soubi agreed. "Always."
Author: White Aster
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Dominance/submission, masochism, flogging, Soubi's Really Messed Up headspace, smex!
Word count: 1819
Summary: Soubi and Ritsuka come to a compromise.
Author's Notes: Prompt: "Will you punish me, now?" Set sometime in a nebulous Happily Ever After future!AU where Ritsuka is legal and a certain brother gets what's coming to him and things work out and Soubi and Ritsuka stay together. also not entirely safe, the way Soubi sets this up without a safeword, but he didn't exactly learn his masochism in a safe, sane, and consensual manner, so I figured it was in-character.
-------------------
It took a long time for Ritsuka to understand that pain wasn't really pain to Soubi. That Soubi craved it, like an itch under his skin. That it had been twined so long ago and so often with pleasure, with belonging, with the easy safety of possession that he couldn't stop wanting Ritsuka to hurt him anymore than he could stop breathing.
That the idea of Ritsuka using the whip or the flogger or the knife or oh god just his "hands" made Soubi harder than anything else.
Will you punish me?
No! You haven't done anything wrong, Soubi.
The problem, in the beginning, was that Ritsuka had wanted to "fix" him. Soubi would lean into some incidental pain and Ritsuka would make him stop, eyes wide and confused and worried. It hurt Ritsuka to see Soubi hurt, because he thought that Soubi liking being hurt was wrong, bad, a sign of sickness.
Maybe it was. But if so, it was a sickness that Soubi would never get over, wasn't sure he WANTED to get over. Chronic. Parasitic.
They had spent some truly miserable time together: Soubi wanting it but not saying so because he knew it would upset his little master. He tried not to show his disappointment, the hole inside him begging to be filled, but he hadn't been able to fool Ritsuka. Ritsuka ordered Soubi to tell him what was wrong, and Soubi had, and Ritsuka insisted that Soubi should fight those wants, that it was wrong, that it was sick, that they would work together so that Soubi didn't need it. Soubi agreed, because Ritsuka wanted it so much, because it made Ritsuka smile. He would try to be anything for Ritsuka. And he did. He tried. He denied, and denied, and denied himself, because it made Ritsuka smile. And as long as it made Ritsuka smile, it was enough.
Except when it hadn't been. He'd hidden it, but he had been taught too well. There was always the nagging doubt in the back of his mind, brought to life in his nightmares of Seimei and Ritsu-sensei. Soubi began to keep himself awake as long as possible, drinking pot after pot of strong black tea, coffee, soda, anything to avoid the dreams.
Ritsuka noticed, if only because Soubi couldn't hide the signs of exhaustion. Ritsuka again ordered Soubi to tell him what was wrong. Soubi, having gotten three hours of sleep in the past two nights, knelt in front of Ritsuka, miserable, and told him about the dreams, about how he'd tried to avoid them not because they frightened him, but because the pain memories of Seimei's knife...of Ritsu-sensei's whip...made him feel safe. He was being hurt because it would make him stronger...he was being punished because it would remind him not to make the same mistake again. He was worthy of being molded...being made better. Those nightmares made him feel wanted. Loved.
He buried his face in Ritsuka's chest and begged for Ritsuka's forgiveness. He hadn't been able to follow Ritsuka's orders, and that truth, that inability, that FAILURE ate at him. He wasn't worthy of Ritsuka. He wasn't.
Ritsuka took a deep breath that Soubi could feel under his cheek. He expected Ritsuka to walk away, or to sound disappointed, or to tell him he had to try harder. Instead, Ritsuka put his arms around Soubi's shoulders, dropped his lips to Soubi's hair. "Soubi. Does it..does it make you feel like I don't love you, because I won't...do that to you? Tell me the truth."
Soubi struggled with that, then tried to explain that he knew that Ritsuka loved him. His head knew. But his heart, deep inside, felt cold, distant, like he could never get close enough. Like Ritsuka was far, far away.
"Even like this?" Ritsuka's arms around him were warm and firm, stronger than they used to be.
Soubi nodded, his heart full of cold needles. Ritsuka wouldn't understand. Ritsuka would be upset. Ritsuka would always be upset, because he couldn't understand, and Soubi couldn't change, and they would never be...never be....
"It's all right, Soubi. It's all right." Ritsuka's voice was like his arms. "This is my fault. I've been selfish...I didn't...I didn't know that this was how it was. I thought...I thought that if I showed you that you could live without being...hurt...that you'd realize that it was better. That you wouldn't need it anymore. But...that didn't work." Ritsuka's hand petted down his hair, his voice soft, as if he were talking half to himself. "I hate what they've done to you, Soubi. That they've made you need this. But it's not your fault. It...I mean...we could do therapy or something, build up your self-esteem, so you don't need to be so dependent on me, or on me hurting you...."
That sounded like the worst hell that Soubi could imagine. Not need Ritsuka? How would Soubi live without needing Ritsuka? How COULD Soubi live like that? Ritsuka might as well have suggested that Soubi live without his arms and legs: it would have been kinder. Soubi clutched at Ritsuka's arms, so hard he was afraid he'd leave bruises, even though Ritsuka was not nearly so delicate now as he'd been when Soubi had first met him. Ritsuka shushed him gently.
"It's all right. I know. That'd be just as wrong as what I've been trying to do. I shouldn't ask you to change who you are. You shouldn't need to. You're my Soubi. Just like this."
Those words warmed Soubi more than any skin could. He breathed in Ritsuka's scent through his shirt. "Ritsuka's Soubi. Always Ritsuka's Soubi."
"Yes. Mine. I'm sorry, Soubi. I...I need to stop being a wimp and start taking care of what's mine."
Soubi's breath nearly stopped as Ritsuka put his hands on either side of Soubi's face, lifting it. Ritsuka's eyes filled his world: still worried, a little frightened, but determined. The words balled in his throat, came out as a whispered plea. "Will you punish me, Ritsuka?"
Ritsuka shook his head. "I won't punish you, Soubi. Don't call it that. Punishing means you've done something wrong, and you haven't. But if you want...if you need it.... I think I can give it to you."
"Please," Soubi breathed, turning his head to kiss Ritsuka's fingers. "Please, yes...."
Ritsuka swallowed, but held his eyes. "Show me how."
Oh. Ritsuka was so good to him.
Soubi brought him the soft leather flogger. He had bought it, one day, out of hope. He had Seimei's tools still (and could probably not get rid of them until Ritsuka ordered him to) but he did not want Ritsuka to use those. And most of them were too complex, too dangerous for an amateur to use in the first place. He didn't want Ritsuka to scare himself by hurting Soubi more than he intended.
Ritsuka swallowed at the sight of the flogger. Soubi held it out, handle first, and the sight of Ritsuka's hand closing hesitantly around it nearly made Soubi groan aloud. He watched, dry-mouthed, as Ritsuka stroked the leather tails, watched him be surprised at the softness of them. Ritsuka took a deep breath and looked up, nodding.
Soubi told him what he could. He'd never done this himself, only had it done to him, but he knew what it felt like, knew what was likely to damage him, and he could describe that to Ritsuka. Ritsuka turned a little paler after the instructions, but he nodded, ordering Soubi in clear terms to tell him if he wasn't doing anything safely.
Soubi unbuttoned his shirt, holding Ritsuka's eyes as he did so, watching the way Ritsuka's gaze slipped over his chest as the shirt dropped to the floor. He kept himself in check as he turned to put his hands against the wall. It was enough that Ritsuka be willing to do this, he told himself. It was too much to ask for Ritsuka to enjoy it. For Ritsuka to want to push him against the wall, to spread him and fill him and fuck him while his back burned--
No. If pain and pleasure had to be separate with Ritsuka, it was enough.
The first blow landed, tentative and light, looking to get the aim down more than anything. Soubi felt himself hardening in his jeans, and he leaned his forehead against the cool wall, keeping his breathing steady as the blows became harder, more confident. The thud and sting across his shoulders was like and unlike what he remembered: Ritsu-sensei and Seimei had hardly ever used anything as light as a flogger. The wrapping of the tails around his ribs, though, ah, that was sparks of true pain, and they made his breath catch. Soubi let himself fall into the soft, cradling rhythm of it....
All too soon, he felt Ritsuka's hand on the hot skin of his back. "I'm sorry, my arm's tired." A finger traced a line of dull fire along his ribs. "Did...was that...ok?"
Soubi turned and kissed Ritsuka before he even really registered what he was doing. Ritsuka made a surprised noise, and Soubi took the opportunity to slide his tongue into Ritsuka's mouth, and oh, Ritsuka tasted like soda and warmth, and Soubi groaned with want.
Ritsuka was breathing hard when he pulled away, eyes bright and flickering down to where Soubi's state of arousal was painfully obvious. "I guess it was ok, then, hmm?"
"Yes. Yes...." Soubi nuzzled at where Ritsuka's ears used to be, an old, familiar gesture. "Yes, Ritsuka. I love you, Ritsuka...."
Ritsuka leaned in to kiss him again, and Soubi's back pressed hot against the cold, scratchy wall. "I love you, too, Soubi." And then his hand slid down the front of Soubi's jeans, undoing his fly, and it was all that Soubi could do to not come right there, from that slight touch, to wait until Ritsuka had his hand around him, pumping, until Ritsuka was making those little encouraging noises that were as good as permission, and Soubi let himself come into his master's hand, his back pressed tight against the wall.
He came back to himself with Ritsuka looking at him, apprehension in his eyes. He wasn't aroused, but that...that was all right. Ritsuka wasn't asking him to be different. He shouldn't ask Ritsuka to be different, either.
Of course, that didn't mean that Soubi couldn't tempt. He smiled, lifting Ritsuka's hand to his mouth and sucking his own fluids off each thin finger. Ritsuka's fingers weren't the only thing that twitched. That was good. The flogging hadn't turned Ritsuka off THAT much, then.
Ritsuka's eyes went half-lidded as Soubi sucked hard on his pinky. "So~oubi..."
"Yes, Ritsuka?"
Ritsuka smiled, affection in the familiar word. "Pervert."
Soubi stepped closer, wrapping his arms around Ritsuka and backing him towards the bed, nuzzling into Ritsuka's neck until his master laughed. "Ritsuka's pervert," Soubi agreed. "Always."
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Date: 2007-07-24 10:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-24 02:34 pm (UTC)Glad you liked! :)
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Date: 2010-06-21 10:42 pm (UTC)well done indead
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Date: 2010-06-22 12:12 am (UTC)