The Thief Springs the Traps [Fire Emblem 10 crossover, Heather/Traps, PG-13]

[burningmayo.livejournal.com]

Title: The Thief Springs the Traps
Author:  burningmayo
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Prompt:  Fire Emblem 10 crossover, Heather/any and all trap!boys you can think of, in any fandom:  Heather goes after the pretty girls... and is in for a nasty surprise - "It was terrible, Nephy!  Everywhere I went, they were always male!  What is a girl to do?"
Word Count: 1,795
Summary: Heather recounts her journey through Hell.
A/N: For those that need help, the other fandoms referenced are, in order, the video games Guilty Gear, Chrono Trigger, and Persona 4, and the anime You're Under Arrest!  Also, I had a terrible time trying to get Nephenee's accent right, but I hope it reads well enough in your mind.  Finally, I hope you enjoy this more than Heather did!

"H-Heather?  Where the blazes were you?"

Heather glanced up at Nephenee.  "I’m back?  Oh, thank the goddess."  She rubbed the back of her sore neck.  Ow.  What did I land on?

"It’s a good thing you came back when you did."  Nephenee held a hand out and Heather took it.  "You’d better stand up right quick.  Titania’s been lookin’ all over for you."

"Titania?  What’s she want with me?"

"You were supposed to go on a mission with Commander Ike today and didn’t show up."

Heather sighed.  Oh, right.  I forgot about that.  "Ah, well.  Better face the music.  Where is she?"

"You’re sittin’ on her."

"I’m what?"  Heather glanced down.  Titania lay sprawled in the dirt.  "Well, I thought that landing was rough."

Titania pushed herself off of the ground.  "Heather, would you kindly explain why you jumped on top of me?"

"Well, normally I’d jump on a pretty girl such as yourself just because you’re so darn attractive, but I didn’t really do any jumping in this case."

Titania scowled.  "What would you call it, then?"

"Falling."

"Falling?"  Titania gestured at the clearing around them.  "There isn’t a tree within fifty feet of us.  Where could you have possibly fallen from?"

"Through a big hole in the air."

"You don’t expect me to beli—"

"Actually," Nephenee raised a hand.  "I think she did.  When you were walkin’ over to talk to me, I saw a weird light and suddenly you were in the dirt with her sittin’ on top of you."

Titania’s gazed shifted from Heather to Nephenee and back.  "How?"

Heather removed a ruby amulet that hung from her neck.  "This thing.  I ‘acquired’ it while we were raiding Oliver’s villa.  When I put it on, it transported me to another world."

"Really?"  Nephenee looked impressed.  "What kinda place was it?"

Heather sighed.  "Miserable.  I was in a strange forest with trees and animals I’d never seen before."

"Are you sure you weren’t just lost?" Titania asked.  "We’re not camped far from Serenes."

"Oh, I’m sure, all right.  I wandered around for a bit until I finally saw someone else.  A cute blonde girl.  She was a little young for my taste, but she was dressed in a real eye-catching blue dress that showed off a lot of leg.  She had a strange metal cuff clasped around her waist, though.  I’m not sure what that was about."

Titania and Nephenee glanced at each other with a worried look.  "Heather," Nephenee said.  "You didn’t actually do anythin’, did you?"

"Well, I was going to.  I started off by asking for directions.  She was very polite, so I asked what her name was and she said it was Bridget.  It was even cuter when she claimed she was a bounty hunter hunting something called a Gear."

"What’s a Gear?" Nephenee asked.

Heather raised a hand.  "Not important.  After her little introduction, she turned around, and I decided to make my move."

Titania grimaced.  "On a bounty hunter?"

"It wouldn’t have been my first.  Or my fifth, really.  You meet a lot of them when you do what I do.  So I leaned in close and started complimenting her on her smooth skin and soft hair.  I startled her, but I love it when girls are like that, so no big deal there.  I put a hand on her chest and tried feeling her up, but…she didn’t have anything up there.  Flat as a board."

"My, how disappointing."  Titania’s voice was flat.

"Shush, Red.  I’m almost finished.  I thought she was probably just a late bloomer, so I decided to take the more direct approach.  You know, I figured I probably wouldn’t be staying there for very long, so why not?  So I reached down there and fingered him."

"You di—huh?"  Nephenee blinked once, then again.  "Him?"

"Yep."  Heather tasted vomit in her mouth.  "I sprung a trap."

"So what happened after that?"

"Actually, Bridget took it in stride.  He said I wasn’t the first one to try something like that.  Apparently, there was some pirate named Johnny that made the same mistake.  I don’t know the details, and I actually didn’t have time to find out because that’s when I was zapped out of there."

"Hmm."  Titania crossed her arms.  "Well, now that you’re back, you need to—"

Heather raised a finger against Titania’s lips.  "I’m not finished."

"Not finished?"  Nephenee adjusted her helmet.  "Where’d you go?"

"I dunno.  Some ancient fortress of evil or another.  I never saw their boss, but there were these three lackies hanging around.  Some ugly little troll named Ozzie, some…thing named Slash.  I’m not sure what he was supposed to be.  And a real looker named Flea."

"Flea?"  Nephenee looked puzzled and scratched her cheek.  "What kinda person names their kid Flea?"

Heather shrugged.  "Hey, it beats being named something like Mayonnaise."

Titania and Nephenee glanced at each other and spoke the same question.  "What’s mayonnaise?"

Heather gritted her teeth.  "Something else I learned about on my little trip.  You want me to finish or not?"

Nephenee shrugged.  "Sorry, Heather.  Why’re you so upset?  Somethin’ happen with Flea?"

"Oh, no, not much really.  He was a mage, and he got really mad when I tried hitting on him.  So I didn’t stick around."

Titania shook her head as if to clear it.  "Him?"

Heather shivered.  "Yep.  I fell for another trap."

Nephenee shrugged.  "You’re still in one piece.  Where’d you go next?"

"Some place really different.  It was the strangest place I’ve ever seen.  There were buildings made of steel and glass, and these large carriages that didn’t need horses.  They paved their trails with tar and rocks, and there were these large boxes with moving pictures in them.  I don’t know how else to describe it."

"Horseless carriages?"  Titania glanced at her own horse, grazing on the other side of the clearing.  "I’ve never heard of magic like that."

"Well, it’s true.  I ended up near a school for people around Mist’s age."  Heather grinned.  "They were having some sort of festival while I was there.  And there were a lot of girls, all wearing these cute, exotic uniforms with skirts and neckerchiefs.  All sorts of young hotties to choose from."  She paused for a moment to let the heat building up in her subside.  "Of course, I had to screw that one up too."

Nephenee leaned forward.  "But there were gals there.  How could it go wrong?"

Heather sighed.  "The school was holding a pageant when I got there.  Ms. Yazokami, or something like that.  I saw one of the contestants out in the hall before it started.  A really cute blonde in a blue dress and a bow in her hair.  She just looked so adorable, and it gave me the urge to steal her away."

"Did you?"

"No, of course not.  It was another trap.  He was just some boy named Teddie taking part in a cross-dressing contest.  A cross-dressing contest."  She grabbed Nephenee by the shoulders.  "It was terrible, Nephy! Everywhere I went, they were always male! What is a girl to do?"

"I…I dunno, Heather.  I ain’t never been in that kinda situation before.  Was that the last of ‘em?"

Heather hung her head.  "No.  After that, I ended up in some other world that was similar to the last one, but the city looked like it was a lot bigger.  There was a lady in uniform there, and by this point, I was getting really desperate, so I tried hitting on her.  She was really feminine, more feminine than any of us—"

Titania glowered.  "Hey…"

"I only say it because it was true.  The way she talked, her mannerisms, she was more of a woman than any of us could be.  She even had a really cute name.  Aoi Futaba."

Nephenee slipped her way out of Heather’s grasp.  "Lemme guess.  Trap?"

"Worse.  A trap and a member of the city guard…whatever they call them.  He actually tried to arrest me."

Titania rubbed her forehead.  "You groped him, didn’t you?"

"Since when is showing affection a crime?  Is that so wrong?"

"That’s a yes, then."

Heather raised the amulet and shook it.  "My day has been nothing but one frustration after another, and it’s all thanks to this damn thing."  She twirled the chain and flung it away.  A smirk crossed her lips.  She heard it brush against the leaves and branches in its arc.

Nephenee watched the amulet disappear.  "Heather, are you sure it was safe to do that?"

"I don’t care."  Heather crossed her arms and turned away.  "I can’t see how anyone could have worse luck with it."

"But…"

"Forget it, Nephenee."  Titania gestured in the direction of the camp.  "Go tend to your duties."

Nephenee glanced at Heather, and then turned toward the tents.  "Whatever you say."

Heather watched in disappointment as Nephenee wandered away.  "Aw, damn it.  All those fakes work me up and Nephy can’t even help me blow the steam off."

Titania glared, seeming unimpressed.  "There are other things more important to worry about than your libido, Heather.  Now, Commander Ike was—"

Heather turned to Titania.  "Forget the commander, would you?  Don’t you know what it’s like getting blocked like that?"

"Heather, what is your problem?  Are you really so worked up you can’t follow orders?"

"Oh, come on, Titania."  Heather stepped forward and brushed a hand along the redhead’s arm.  "You don’t know what kind of traumas I endured."

"No, but I can tell when someone is being melodramatic."

"Maybe I am.  So what?  Don’t tell me you’ve never been frustrated like this.  You’ve seen a lot more of the world than I have.  You…you’re one of the most beautiful women in the camp."

"Flattery isn’t going to get you out of your duties, Heather."

Heather shrugged.  "Surely a woman your age must have gone to bed with someone by now."

"My, my age?"  Titania glared at Heather.  "How old do you think I am?"

Heather put a hand to her chin and circled Titania with a careful eye.  "I’d say you’re at least thirty.  Maybe edging toward forty?"

Titania choked.  "F-forty?  I’m not that old."

"But you look so mature dressed up in that armor.  Very distinguished, yet there isn’t a gray hair anywhere in that lovely braid of yours.  Of course that doesn’t mean that you aren’t gray elsewhere."

"El-elsewhere?"

"Oh, you know."  Heather stepped behind Titania and wrapped an arm around her waist.  "Right down there."  She slid a finger against Titania’s crotch.

"I, what, I…"  Titania’s face flushed.  "You, you want me to prove it to you?"

Heather grinned.  "That would be lovely.  Then maybe you and I can blow off a little steam together."

Comments

[miss_prince.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha I love it. You've really nailed Heather's total and complete lack of shame XD And oh god, Teddie. Poor Heather even hits a universe with a perfectly good reverse-trap and ends up hitting on TEDDIE XD

This was a fun read!

[burningmayo.livejournal.com]

Hey, she was on a hot streak of bad luck, and she hit the jackpot!

Thank you. :) I'm glad someone appreciates shameless Heather as much as I do.

The icon says it all

[littlelinor.livejournal.com]

OP here and wahahahaha man did I laugh.
I feel sad for knowing none of the traps (well I know Bridget from the meme XD) but it was hilarious all the same.
I love your Heather.
And the idea of Heather/Titania just made it even better.
I SALUTE YOU

Re: The icon says it all

[burningmayo.livejournal.com]

Thank you! This was a fun prompt to write, especially when Heather is a completely shameless perv. And as for Heather/Titania, well, Heather did deserve something for going through her own personal hell. XD

Re: The icon says it all

[littlelinor.livejournal.com]

Hahaha glad to have provided you with fun XD

And yes, she did. Some fun after the cockclittease
Pffft I am an idiot

[measuringlife.livejournal.com]

XD This is awesome.

[burningmayo.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad it turned out so well.