Transformers (Inferno/Red Alert)

[apathocles.livejournal.com]

Title: Driven to Distraction
Author: Apathy
Rating: R, to be on the safe side.
Warnings: Not-overly-explicit roboporn. General silliness.
Word count: 1020.
Prompt: Inferno/Red Alert - seduction as the antidote to panic: "This is madness!"
Summary: Red panics. Inferno tries to reassure him in the least appropriate way possible.
A/N: Unbeta'd. (The curse of the master procrastinator.) If you spot anything that needs fixing, please feel free to point it out.




'This is madness!'

The earth trembles and groans, showering dust and rocks down upon them.

'We're trapped! There are at least six of them, and only two of us, and the other Autobots are miles away, and we're trapped -- mmph!'

Inferno claps one hand over Red Alert's mouth, which muffledly continues its diatribe, outraged squeaks attempting to escape from around large fingers.

The other arm goes around Red Alert's waist, and... silence. Inferno can feel rather than see Red Alert's shock, optics bugging wide and mouth gaping open beneath his hand.

He slowly releases his grip on Red Alert's mouth, and Red doesn't let him down, the slight raspiness of his air intakes the only sound besides that of the nearby Decepticons.

Huh, sounds like they're moving away a little.

'What... what....' Red Alert takes a moment, visibly trying to pull his processor together.

'I'm distracting you,' Inferno supplies helpfully, releasing the catch on the armour along Red's side.

'Distracting...? But we need to be on full alert!'

'Exactly. And we can't be on full alert while you're like this. If Starscream's null rays can jolt you back to normal, then maybe interfacing can do the same.'

It's a lame excuse, even by his standards. But the Decepticons have moved away, the sound of their voices barely audible as they head in the wrong direction. And Red does need distracting until he can get his logic chips fixed.

Granted, Inferno's not entirely sure his logic chips are working properly, if he's even considering this. But he's never been a mech to back down from a challenge, and he's sure not going to start now.

He shifts around so they're facing each other, propping Red Alert against the rock wall of their shelter and smiling reassuringly, trying to keep his touch as calming as possible. Red, for his part, seems to have given in to the insanity, unlocking Inferno's armour even as he questions both their mental states.

Inferno grins, only a little shakily. 'You ready?'

'Madness,' he says faintly. 'Pure, pure madness....'

A 'yes', in Red-speak. Inferno makes the connection, and Red Alert arches in shock, head slamming against the wall and causing another mini-avalanche. Inferno quickly dials back the settings a notch.

'You okay, buddy?'

'P-p-p-peachy.'

'Good.' He increases the flow just a little, until Red is buzzing, and trails his fingers gently over the sensors in his neck.

Red shudders. 'You, my friend, are evil.'

'It's all part of my dastardly plan. Interface until you're overloaded and helpless -- ' Red Alert whimpers ' -- and then dump you somewhere you'll never be able to get out.'

Inferno lowers his voice and leans in close, whispering right into his audioreceptor. 'After all, I do want your job.'

Red Alert laughs helplessly, voice hitching as he squirms beneath Inferno's touch. 'Bastard. You're never going to -- nn -- let me live that down, are you?'

Inferno smirks, devil-sly. 'I guess you'll just have to find a way to make me forget, then.'

'Would -- ah! -- frying your circuits into oblivion be sufficient?'

'I dunno. Guess you'll just have to try, won't you?'

'Several times.'

Inferno nods gravely. 'Gotta make extra sure of these things. Scientific, and all that.'

Red giggles -- high-pitched and most undignified and in a way that he will surely later deny -- and suddenly jerks, once, twice, and then collapses against Inferno's shoulder, mumbling something that sounds suspiciously like 'msndflrgh'.

Yep, definitely gonna deny it later. And Inferno definitely won't let him forget any time soon. Or ever. Red still hasn't lived down the Petroleum Jelly Incident, and that was 7.4 million years ago.

Inferno cuts the connection, feeling a little wobbly himself.

'Red? You still with us?'

'Mmm.' He lifts his head slightly, mouth turned upwards in a smile that can only be described as 'goofy'.

'Feeling better?'

'Oh, yes.' Red's showing no sign of malfunction, unless Must Cling to Inferno in Order to Remain Upright is classified as a malfunction.

Inferno snorts, and shakes his head. 'We have got to find a better way of fixing you.'

Red's voice is muffled against Inferno's shoulder. 'Much better than anything Ratchet would prescribe.'

'Oh Primus, don't go there.' The mental image of Ratchet, Doctor Love, pops into his head, in all its glorious, horrifying detail. He sighs. 'Too late.'

Red Alert staggers away from Inferno, steadying himself with a hand against the wall. 'Sounds like the Decepticons have gone.'

'Yeah, I distracted you good -- '

Inferno does a double-take. His optics narrow. 'But surely you already knew that. You can sense these things, after all.'

Red Alert smiles sweetly. 'I have no idea what you're talking about.'

'Y'know, if I didn't know better, I'd say that you've been overloading your logic circuits deliberately.'

'Don't be absurd. Such action would be grossly irresponsible, especially for someone in my position.' Red practically radiates innocence. Inferno doesn't buy it for a moment.

'You haven't been overloading them at all, have you? You've been faking it! You knew that the Decepticons were gone, and that the Autobots were on their way!'

'Talk like that could get you thrown in the brig, soldier.'

'Yeah, I bet you'd just love that,' Inferno mutters. But he can't help the grin that breaks out across his face, and Red's expression melts from mock-stern to mirror it.

'Ah, Inferno,' Red sighs, slinging one arm around his friend. 'Do you want to make groundless assertions, or do you want to head back to the Ark and make sure that I don't have a relapse?'

Inferno affects a serious expression. 'Well, they do say that prevention is better than cure.'

'And who are we to ignore the sage wisdom of They?'

They stumble out together from their hiding place, to see an Autobot approaching. Prowl, who looks as amused as he ever does, the corner of his mouth turning upwards oh-so-slightly.

Then again, it could just be a trick of the light.

Inferno waves jauntily at him. 'Uh. Routine maintenance to perform.'

He and Red transform, speeding down the road and laughing all the way back to the Ark.

Comments

[apathocles.livejournal.com]

Go for it! (I read one too many 'OMG CoS is the worst ep ever and I give it no stars!' reviews. Sigh. Some people just don't appreciate the crack.)

Unless, of course, you're replying to Andraste's comment (LJ is being a little wonky for me right now, so it's hard to tell), in which case permission is not mine to give. ;)

*has long admired your icon from afar*

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

City of Steel is the crack that made the show what it was. Do not disrespect the Aligatacon!

[apathocles.livejournal.com]

I saw the movie with some friends who hadn't watched the cartoon since they were kids. We went back to my place afterwards, and they hinted that they wanted to watch some cartoons.

Me: *leaps up and shoves CoS in the DVD player before they can change their minds*

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

I need to get around to actually watching that sometime.

[apathocles.livejournal.com]

Good Primus, yes. *just returned from second viewing*